How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving: What to Say and What to Avoid

How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving: What Helps and What Hurts

"Grief can be like driving down a road in the dark."

When someone you care about is facing profound loss or grief, it can feel impossible to know what to say or do. You may wonder:

• What if I say the wrong thing?
• Will I make it worse?
• Should I bring it up or avoid it entirely?

Grief can be like driving down a road in the dark—sometimes, the only thing visible are the lines on the road, guiding you forward one step at a time. Without focusing on what you can see, you might avoid driving in the dark altogether—just as many avoid engaging with someone in crisis out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

Common Responses That May Do More Harm Than Good

Despite the best intentions, some common phrases can leave grieving individuals feeling isolated, invalidated, or pressured to "move on" too quickly. Understanding what not to say can make all the difference in offering meaningful support.

What NOT to Say to Someone Grieving:

🚫 "It'll be okay."

• While meant to provide reassurance, it can feel dismissive, as if they should already be okay. Grief is a process that takes time.

🚫 "At least..." (e.g., “At least they lived a long life,” or “At least you can get pregnant.”)

• This phrase minimizes the person’s pain and implies they should feel grateful rather than allowing space for their grief.

🚫 "Everything happens for a reason."

• While well-meaning, it can feel invalidating and imply they should find meaning and feel better about their situation right away.

🚫 "I know how you feel."

• Even if you've experienced a similar loss, each person’s grief is unique. Comparisons can feel dismissive rather than supportive.

🚫 "It’ll get worse before it gets better."

• Statements like these can create unnecessary fear and anxiety about the future.

🚫 "I know this will be a hard holiday for you."

• Instead of assuming, allow them to express how they're feeling. They may experience grief differently than expected.

Pro Tip: If the grieving person uses these phrases themselves, acknowledge and validate their perspective instead of correcting them.

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What to Say and Do Instead

Rather than focusing on finding the right words, it’s often more helpful to simply be present and offer support based on what you observe and sense.

How to Support Someone Grieving:

✅ Let them guide the conversation.

• Allow them to share their story and feelings without steering the discussion.

✅ Practice active listening.

• Reflect back what you hear, acknowledging their experience without trying to fix it.

✅ Match their emotional energy.

• If they are laughing, share in their joy. If they are tearful, offer a quiet presence.

✅ Offer specific help.

• Instead of asking, “What do you need?” try suggesting practical support, like:
  • “Would it be helpful if I brought dinner on Wednesday or Thursday?”

✅ Encourage self-care with compassion.

• Gently suggest, “Would you like to take a walk together?” instead of pressuring them with advice.

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A Personal Story of Grief and Support

When my husband unexpectedly passed away, many people avoided me because they didn’t know what to say. A colleague, a future counselor and chaplain, admitted he kept his distance because he was afraid of saying the wrong thing.

What I found most helpful were those who showed up and walked alongside me—literally and figuratively. One friend encouraged me to take small steps: re-entering my home, our bedroom, and finally, stripping the bed we had shared. Each step allowed me to release my emotions and reclaim my space. This support was invaluable in my grieving process.

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Your Presence Matters

Grief is complex, and there's no perfect response. Your presence, understanding, and compassion can make a significant difference.

How Have You Supported or Been Supported During Difficult Times?

Share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s create a space of connection and healing.

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