How Do You Comfort the Grieving?
After something difficult occurs, there are various ways people try to support. Some responses are helpful and others are not.
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| "It can be like driving down a road in the dark." |
I was in a counseling program when my husband unexpectedly died in bed next to me. One of my colleagues (a future counselor and chaplain) later told me he avoided engaging with me, because he did not know what to say. If a chaplain and future counselor doesn’t know what to say, what does that mean for everyone else?
It can be scary knowing how to show up when someone you know has suffered something significant. What do you say? How do you act? What if you say the wrong thing? Will you make it worse?
It can be like driving down the road in the dark. At some points, the only thing you may be able to see clearly are the lines on the road. And, that is when you focus your eyes on that to guide you home. When you don't focus on what you can see, you may be inclined to avoid driving in the dark at all; just like many people will avoid engaging with in crisis or despair all together. Or you may choose to respond based on what you assume you'd want to hear or experience.
In my circumstances, it seemed like people were uncomfortable if I was happy and also uncomfortable if I was upset. It was as if they needed me to stay neutral, so they would know I was okay, but not too okay. The reality is grief is complex and evokes many emotions. When I was at school I didn't have reminders of my husband there and it was one place where I felt I could put my grieving on the shelf. It was when I was driving by a gas station where we'd gotten gas or a restaurant where we'd eaten that I would be overwhelmed with sadness. I could not control when my emotions came and when they made others uncomfortable it just added to the alienation I already felt from people.
Often times, individuals do not feel the intended care and concern from people. In fact, their are common phrases that can leave a person feeling alone, minimized, invalidated, or rushed through their process.
I say "intended care and concern" because typically people say these things with the best intentions. We get so focused on trying to "say the right thing" that we miss the mark entirely. Oftentimes, we do this because we are telling them what we think we would want to hear.
Here are some examples of what you should not say to someone who is grieving:
- “It’ll be okay” - as if knowing that should make it ok now. One of my friends said this to me after my husband died. I was exhausted after a long day and was much more candid than I typically would have been when I said, "I know it will be okay, but it isn't right now. So, if you cannot sit with me while it isn't okay, I'm going to let you go." The fact of the matter is "it will be okay" made me feel like I should be okay now and therefore was not moving along my grieving correctly or graciously enough.
- “At least…” and you can fill in the blank. This implies that the circumstances could be worse and therefore you should be grateful and hence feel better. It has the same effect as things like, "It could have been worse" or "you should be grateful." One day, I was counseling a woman who was grieved because no matter how many times this woman got pregnant, she miscarried. She had always wanted to have a child, but could never carry it to term. She told me one woman said, "Well, at least you can get pregnant." My client was incensed. Her end goal was not pregnancy, but a child.
- “Everything happens for a reason.” This is intended to imply some deeper meaning involved in the horrible circumstance that helps you feel better about it. Even if they find meaning in their circumstances and do something productive with that meaning, that statement doesn’t usually feel validating.
- “I know how you feel” even if you have had a similar experience or you relate to what they are saying… making comparisons is almost never helpful and can feel like their journey isn’t theirs.
- “It’ll get worse before it gets better” … not much to say about that, but someone did say this to me at my husband's funeral. She thought I seemed to be doing fairly well, so she wanted me to understand I needed to keep my expectations sober. She said that no one told her it was going to get worse and that would have helped her. Suffice it to say, I did not find that helpful at all. In fact, I found it terrifying. I felt like I'd already been through hell and could not possibly face it getting worse. This was new terrain for me and I feared she was right.
- "I know this will be a hard Christmas (holiday)" ... I lost count of how many people told me I was going to have a hard and painful Christmas. Only, it wasn't horrible. What was hard, was coming into a new year for which he would not be. For me, it punctuated the finality of his death and the adventure I was now on alone.
Here are some things you should consider to comfort someone who is grieving:
Your safest bet, is instead of trying to say the right thing (which often fails), focus on what you are taking in with your senses; what you see, hear, intuitively sense, and:
- Let the person guide the engagement
- Let the person tell their story. Listen to what happened, what it's meant to them, the hardest parts, and how they are coping and reflect back what you are hearing.
- Take cues from the person and honor where they are; for instance, don't bring up upsetting aspects of grief when they are fondly remembering the person they lost.
- Match their emotional energy; hence, if they are laughing, laugh with them, and if they are crying, be somber
- Be curious, not instructional. This is when you take a note from Stephen Covey and seek first to understand than be understood. So often, we want to give people advice to help them feel better, but advice often feels insensitive and directive. I had people tell me I needed to eat within 24 hours of my husband dying. Instead they could have asked if I’d lost my appetite and what it's been like surviving my husband. That would give me space to talk about it and work through it.
- Avoid asking what they need and instead offer what you think might help to give the person ideas. So you don't sound pressuring, you can ask, "Would it be helpful if I brought dinner by this week?" If they say, "Yes." Ask, "Would Wednesday or Thursday be more helpful?"
When my husband died, what I found most helpful was people who showed up and literally walked alongside me through each step I took. One woman encouraged me to go back into the house, then back into our room and then finally helped me unmake the bed and wash the bedding. Through that process I was able to let out my anger, sadness and everything I felt as I pounded the bed and reclaimed our space. That single handedly made the biggest difference in how I dealt with his passing and ultimately grieved.
What have you found helpful when you are struggling or navigating something awful in your life?
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