It's NEVER about you!


It’s NEVER About You! How to Transform Relationships with Understanding


Have you ever sent a text, email, or voicemail and didn’t get a reply—sometimes for days, or maybe never? If you’re like me, your mind might immediately start spinning: What did I do wrong? You replay every interaction, wondering where things went sideways. You might even consider sending another message to apologize for upsetting them—just in case.


But here’s the truth: it’s rarely, if ever, about you. And just like my reactions are rooted in my own experiences and needs, others’ reactions are usually about them.


The Moment I Realized "It’s Not About Me"


A close friend of mine would often remind me: “Lilli, it’s never about you.” This was a hard pill to swallow, especially when I thought she was upset with me.


Instead of reacting defensively, I paused and asked myself: If it’s not about me, then what is it about? Could it be her personality, her life story, or her unmet needs? Maybe she needed something I wasn’t providing—not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t know what she needed.


So, I decided to ask. I said, “If it’s never about me, and you’re upset with me, then what is it about? Is there something you need that I’m not doing? Something that would make you happier?”


Her demeanor immediately softened. She opened up about what she needed from me, and we had an honest, productive conversation. I listened, asked clarifying questions, and assured her I would work on it because our relationship mattered to me. I also invited her to share her needs with me in the future so we could avoid miscommunication.


Communication Is Key


This experience taught me an essential lesson: when I feel upset, it’s about me. Have I communicated my needs? Have I let the other person know what’s important to me?

If I’ve shared my feelings and nothing changes, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. Some relationships naturally come to an end. At that point, I can be grateful for the role we played in each other’s lives and move on.


However, most of the time, open and honest communication makes all the difference.


The Power of Shifting Perspectives


I’ve found that I’m far more compassionate—and far less reactive or defensive—when I remind myself that I haven’t necessarily done something wrong. Instead, the other person might simply need something different from me.

This mindset shift allows me to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than guilt or blame. Instead of taking things personally, I use the opportunity to understand the other person better:

  • What do they need?
  • What are they feeling?
  • How can I show up for them in a way that feels supportive?

When I care about someone, I want to know what’s going on for them. And when I take the time to listen and respond with empathy, my relationships become stronger and more fulfilling.


Practical Steps to Transform Your Relationships

  1. Pause and Reflect: When someone’s behavior upsets you, remind yourself, It’s not about me. Consider what might be happening in their world.
  2. Ask Questions: Instead of assuming, ask the other person what they need. A simple question like, “How can I better support you?” can open the door to meaningful dialogue.
  3. Communicate Your Needs: When you’re feeling upset, reflect on what you need and share it clearly and calmly.
  4. Know When to Move On: If communication doesn’t improve the relationship, it may be time to let go with gratitude for the lessons learned.

Final Thoughts


Relationships thrive when both parties are willing to communicate openly and listen with empathy. Shifting your perspective from “it’s about me” to “what’s going on for them?” can transform how you approach conflicts and misunderstandings.


If you’re ready to strengthen your connections, start by practicing compassion—for yourself and others. You’ll find that understanding and empathy go a long way in building healthier, more supportive relationships.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Complex PTSD and Dissociation: 13 Signs You Shouldn't Ignore

Image
Complex PTSD: How Do You Know if You're Dissociating? Dissociation is a common response to trauma and stress, but how do you know when it's a sign of something more serious? Dissociation involves a disconnect between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity. For those with Complex PTSD (CPTSD) or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), dissociation can become a frequent coping mechanism—impacting daily life, work, and relationships. When is Dissociation Normal? Mild forms of dissociation are common and not necessarily a cause for concern. For example, zoning out while driving home and not remembering parts of the trip is something most people have experienced. However, when dissociation symptoms become persistent and interfere with everyday functioning, it may indicate an underlying issue that requires professional support. 13 Signs You Are Dissociating If you experience any of the following symptoms frequently, you may be struggling with dissociation: Forgetti...
Read more

Understanding Complex PTSD: Symptoms, Diagnosis, and Treatment

Image
What Are the Characteristics of Complex PTSD? Understanding Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) To better understand Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), it’s important to first grasp the core aspects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Both conditions share many symptoms, but C-PTSD is distinct in its complexity and long-term impacts. What is PTSD? PTSD occurs when an individual is exposed—either directly or indirectly—to a traumatic event that involves actual or perceived threats to life. This exposure may lead to the following symptoms persisting for at least 30 days , significantly impairing daily life: Re-experiencing the trauma: Nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive memories. Avoidance: Actively avoiding reminders, places, or people connected to the trauma. Negative thoughts and feelings: Difficulty remembering the trauma, persistent negative beliefs, and emotional numbness. Hyperarousal and reactivity: Heightened alertness, sleep disturbances, and difficulty concentrating. If these symptoms p...
Read more

Struggling with Insomnia? Causes, Solutions, and Tips for Better Sleep

Image
Insomnia: Causes, Solutions, and Steps to Better Sleep Did you know that approximately 1 in 3 individuals struggles with insomnia? If you have trouble sleeping, you may experience: Difficulty falling asleep Trouble staying asleep Waking up too early Restless or poor-quality sleep If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. Insomnia can impact every aspect of your life, leaving you feeling exhausted, frustrated, and desperate for solutions. What Causes Insomnia? To effectively address insomnia, it’s essential to understand what’s causing it in the first place. Some of the most common causes include: 1. Anxiety and Depression (50-70%) Psychological factors like anxiety and depression are among the leading causes of insomnia. Racing thoughts, worry, and mood disturbances can make it difficult to fall and stay asleep. 2. PTSD (50-90%) Individuals with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often experience hyper-vigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, and fear of sleep—all of which contrib...
Read more