It's NEVER about you!


When I send out a text, an email, or leave a message for someone and I don't hear back for a long time or ever, I have a tendency to think it's because I've done something wrong. I spend countless time recounting all our interactions trying to find out what I did. I consider whether I should reach out again. I wonder if I should apologize "if I've done something that upset" the person. And, yet, it's never really about me anymore than my reactions are about other people. 

My friend kept saying to me, "Lilli, it's never about you." So, when she was upset with me, I thought about that and explored it further. Before going to her, I thought about it; if it's really never about me, then what is it about her? Maybe because of her own personality, life story, etc., she needed something different than what I was doing. Maybe I was missing the mark, because I didn't know what it was that she needed. So, maybe I should ask!

And, that's what I did. I went to her and I asked, "if it's never about me and you're upset with me, then I want to know what it is about for you. Is there something you need that I'm not doing? Something that makes you happier?" And, her whole demeanor changed, "Yes," she said. She proceeded to tell me what would help her. And, I asked questions and got clarification to ensure I understood. And, I told her that I was going to work on it because our relationship was important to me and asked if she would let me know if she needs something different. 

When I need something and I'm not getting it, it's about me. Have I asked for it? Have I let the other person know that it's important to me? If I have asked and still it isn't happening, it might be time for me to move on. I have had relationships that for whatever reason just stop working. At that point, I can be grateful for that person's participation in my journey and mine in theirs and move on. Most of the time; however, talking it out makes all the difference. 

And, I'm far more compassionate and less reactive/defensive when I realize before I have the conversation that it's never about me. The conversation serves as a vehicle for me to better understand the other person. Understand their needs. Understand their wants. And, try to show up in a more supportive manner. After all, I care about them and want to know!

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